So how am I doing? I'll break it down.
Physically
I'm doing fine physically, for the most part. I spend a lot of time being nauseated or dizzy. It doesn't take a lot to make me nauseated. Just one bite too much, or one sip of a drink too much, and I'll be in the bathroom for long enough that people give me funny looks when I leave.
As far as the dizziness goes, I thought that's probably from not eating or drinking enough some days, but now I'm not so sure. Today I was really good and stuck to my diet and everything, and I spent a good portion of the day dizzy. There was one point of the day where my whole world tilted to the left as I was walking down the hall. I had to hold onto the wall for a moment until everything was upright again. I'm sure I'm doing something wrong with my diet or water intake or exercise or something. Whatever. I'll be fine.
I thought that I would feel different at this point. Really the only difference I feel besides the nausea and dizziness is that my clothes are all nice and loose. I don't have much more energy that I can tell, and my feet still hurt at the end of my 12 hour shifts. I thought that would change at this point. No, I don't really feel all that different.
To me, I don't even look that different. I look at my progress pictures and I'm super nitpicky about my body (just like everyone is about their own bodies), and I still see someone who is 380 lbs. I'm just trusting you guys in cyber-world to notice my progress.
Two other downsides to consider: I'm losing some hair, which makes me kind of sad, and I have saggy arm skin. I know the arm skin thing is a sign that I'm being successful at losing weight, but I really hate it. They are my wings, my Relief Society arms, or whatever you want to call them. I don't like them.
Someone on the support group Facebook page posted something like this the other day (I couldn't find it, so I just made my own). Everybody on the page thought it was really funny, but I die a little inside every time I see it. It just makes me look forward to skin removal surgery when I get into maintenance mode.
Emotionally
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Between the exercise, the saggy arms (and saggy boobs, let's get real here), the boring diet, and the bills from the surgery, there's a lot to "uuugh" about.
I can't exaggerate when I say there's just a whole lot of sucking it up and just doing it going on over here. I'm not saying it's not worth it. If it wasn't, I obviously wouldn't do any of it. People sometimes tell me they don't think that they could do what I'm doing, and they ask me how I do it. There's no magic answer. You suck it up and you get it done. You make a decision to do whatever hard thing you have to do, and you just put one foot in front of the other, so to speak. Maybe I'm missing some secret answer, like "Oh, you have to find joy in the little things, and it makes it easier!" or "The more you do it, the easier it is!" That's just a whole bunch of hogwash in my experience. It hasn't gotten easier. And from what I hear from others who have had the surgery, it never will. I've accepted that. A quote that I heard in support group a few months ago said, "Being fat is hard. Losing weight is hard. Choose your hard." Well, I've obviously chosen mine. It's hard, it will always be hard, but it would have been hard in other ways had I not gone through with the surgery.
Please don't take that to mean I'm not IMMENSELY grateful for the good things from the surgery. I really, truly am. I'm so grateful that I've had friends and family come out of the woodwork in order to be so supportive of me. This has actually served as a way for me to connect with friends that I haven't talked to in years and family who I don't really even know that well. I think, besides my health, that's been the biggest blessing by far. So THANKS A MILLION TIMES over and over and over to everyone. You've all been wonderful. I'm sorry for my whining and begging for attention. Sometimes I just really need it for the extra push to go to the gym, or to eat yet another bite of canned chicken. I really wouldn't be able to get through this without your support.
Thank you for being so real about how hard it is. You are inspiring me to do hard things, to change.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, even if you were 110 pounds, your feet would still hurt after a 12 hour shift. That's just a long time to be on your feet.
ReplyDeleteEven if you aren't quite seeing the progress yet, I see it! You're doing great! Even if it is just sucking it up.