Cutting Myself Some Slack

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about myself. I think a lot about myself in general, which I think is hard not to do. But in the last couple of weeks, my brain has been a war zone, just a full-on attack on my self-esteem and self-worth. My mind has been to some dark places in an attempt to sabotage any peace I had about my successes, my value, and my body. I spend a lot of time alone, and therefore a lot of time spiraling into the darkness in my head. Thankfully, I have so many people in my life who love me, and when I sent out a lifeline on Facebook, friends and family responded and lifted me out of that place.

I don't mean to worry anyone. I genuinely don't have depression or anything like that. Not that there's any shame for the people who do have depression, that's not what I'm saying. It's just that I have these deeply-rooted insecurities and chronic negative self talk that I usually just ignore by burying myself in other things. However, they wanted my full attention, so this is me giving them attention by dealing with them. I'm mostly on the upside of this swing. My friends and family have helped quiet the demons. Many hugs, phone calls, texts, Marco Polo messages, and memes later, I thankfully feel less like I'm going to explode.

So here's the deal: I'm 34 and single. I'm just barely finishing school and starting a career. I am not that smart and I can't remember even half of the stuff I learn in school. I live in a little apartment and drive a car that constantly needs fixing. I'm weird, awkward, introverted, and shy. I still weigh much more than I want to, even after gastric bypass. My body is lumpy and lopsided, and I can name 50 other things I don't like about it without even taking a breath.

However... I'm happier than I have been before with my life. I've finally chosen a career path that I enjoy and that I know will make a difference in the world. I've had so many cool learning opportunities in school that have been life-changing! I have the best family and friends. I'm embracing my weirdness and thankfully share that weirdness with a few people. My apartment is small, but I love it. My car needs to be fixed a lot, but it allows me so much freedom, and hey, I need fixing up a lot, too, so who am I to judge? My body is not perfect, but it is STRONG. I love that I my legs are so strong that I can max out on a few of the machines at the gym. I've run 2 half marathons and am planning for a third in a few months.

I'm so hard on myself, but I'm cutting myself some slack today. I'm not perfect and I'm not where I want to be, but I'm better than I was and I'm closer to the things I want! On top of that, I'm just grateful to be able to experience this crazy roller coaster of life with all of the ups and downs.

Also, here is a song that has been my mantra for the last 3 weeks or so. Listen to it. Turn it up loud in your car. It's cheesy, but I love it. https://youtu.be/8hkmuTvkp_s