Hello, My Name is Erin, and I'm a Foodaholic

I've been thinking a lot lately about food addiction. I know that food addiction is a controversial term, some people saying that everyone is "addicted" to food because we can't live without it, and other people saying that it's a glutton's justification for eating whatever they want. I don't know how to argue with people beyond saying that my behavior with food mirrors that of someone with an addiction to alcohol or drugs. Here's a list from WebMD describing signs of a drug addiction, and in parenthesis I'll add how it applies to me:

• You're not using medications in the way they're prescribed. You take larger doses, or take the drug more often than the prescription calls for. Or you use the medicine in a form not prescribed, such as crushing pills.  (Eating food other than the "prescribed" way, like eating all day long,  eating too much, always eating junk food rather than healthy food)
• You go to more than one doctor to get prescriptions for the same drug or problem. (Going from restaurant to restaurant ordering food at each so that I'm not judged for buying a lot at one place or for eating at one place multiple times a day. Yes, I'm that person.)
• You use meds prescribed for other people. (Eating other people's food. "Are you going to eat that?" is a familiar question.)
• You avoid telling the doctor about all the drugs you're taking. (Nobody knows how much I used to eat. There's no way I wanted to tell anyone when I ate an entire cheesecake in a day and then almost bought another one because I was craving more.)
• You keep taking a drug after it's no longer needed for a health problem. (Eating food when you're not hungry anymore, or even when you're completely stuffed you still want more. Enough is never enough.)
• You need more and more of a substance to get the same effects, and you can take more before you feel an effect. (Again, enough is never enough. I could eat all day, every day, and still feel like I HAD TO HAVE THE FOOD OR I WAS GOING TO GO INSANE.  It's the elusive "high" that people talk about that gets harder and harder to reach.)
• You feel strange when the drug wears off. You may be shaky, depressed, sick to your stomach, sweat, or have headaches. You may also be tired or not hungry. In severe cases, you could even be confused, have seizures, or run a fever. (Obviously I wouldn't have seizures from going without food for a couple of hours, or even days, but yes, depressed, angry, or having obsessive thoughts about food. Actually, when I eat a normal amount of food (e.g. not eating until I was stuffed to the gills), the way I would describe the feeling is just "empty." Not physically; I'm not saying that I'm still hungry. Just emotionally and mentally empty. So you could probably call that depression, I guess.)
• You can't stop yourself from using the drug, even if you want to. You are still using even though it's making bad things happen in your life, like trouble with friends, family, work, or the law. (YAAAAAHHHHHHHHSSSSS. I can be SO good on a diet for a long time, and then it's like an out of body experience watching myself scarf down a box of donuts and 2 pints of Hagaan Daaz.  I know I don't want it, I don't even like it that much, and I know it's bad for me, SO BAD, but there have been times where I felt that I LITERALLY COULD NOT STOP MYSELF. )
• You spend a lot of your time thinking about the drug: how to get more, when you'll take it, how good you feel, or how bad you feel afterward. (I think about food constantly, from the minute I wake up, to the minute I fall asleep. If I'm having a converstaion with and seem invested, I am, but just know that a part of me is trying really hard to keep eye contact with you so that I don't stare longingly at whatever it is that you're eating, and another part of me is planning on buying some of whatever it is for myself after we're done talking.)
• You have a hard time giving yourself limits. You might say you'll only use "so much" but then can't stop and end up using twice that amount. Or you use it more often than you meant to. (There's no such thing as portion control. There is no such thing as having "just one cookie instead of 18." Like I said, there are times I could not stop myself, even if I start the day with the best intentions.)
• You've lost interest in things you once liked to do. (Eating takes over everything else. There have been plenty of times I've turned down invitations to do things with friends and family, because I was planning on bingeing that night.)
• You've begun having trouble doing normal daily things, like cooking or working. (Okay, cooking is a dumb example in this case, because that's probably what I'd be doing. I guess I could always do what I needed to, like going to work or church, but food is always a distraction. Probably because, as opposed to other drugs, I can get food at work or church.)
• You drive or do other dangerous things when you are on the drug. (I saw a sign on the road the other day that said "Put down the burger and fries and just drive," so it must actually be a problem.)
• You borrow or steal money to pay for drugs. (Uuum, yeah... Stealing food from other people is probably one of the more shameful and embarrassing things I've done, and I'm so sorry about it, so please be kind, because this is really hard to talk about. I have a handful of memories from childhood relating to this, actually. Stealing a mini Tootsie Roll from a gas station; stealing cinnamon bears at my grandma's house when later I found out she was going to give those to us, anyway;  swiping food from family or roommates that obviously was not meant for me.)
• You hide the drug use or the effect it is having on you from others. (Yep. Like I said, nobody ever knew how much I ate, and even with how much I ate, that was me showing restraint. Nobody knew how much I actually WANTED to eat, which was even worse.)
• You're having trouble getting along with co-workers, teachers, friends, or family members. They complain more about how you act or how you've changed. (Nobody complained about it, but SO many people expressed concern)
• You sleep too much or too little, compared to how you used to. (If I wasn't eating, I always wanted to sleep to pass the time until I could eat again)
• You look different. You may have bloodshot eyes, bad breath, shakes or tremors, frequent bloody noses. (Weight gain. Duh)
• You have a new set of friends with whom you do drugs and go to different places to use the drugs. (I have friends and family who I can depend on to eat junk food with me, and who let me get away with it. If someone calls me out, I can be manipulative and sneaky enough to get my way, or I'll just go hang out with someone else, or be by myself. It's absolutely not something that I'm proud of. They're habits I'm trying really hard to break.)

Things are slightly better now. I wish I could say that the surgery has cured me and that I don't have these problems. Since my surgery, I've had times where I've been really good about defeating these, and times where these habits and feelings have crept up on me. This is a conversation and a battle that constantly goes on in my head, and it is RELENTLESS. Sometimes I feel like it's such a burden that it's squashing me. Other times I feel strong and that I can actually defeat it.

I don't know how exactly I wormed my way so far down this rabbit hole. There's no one thing that I can pinpoint and say, "This is why I'm fat and can't get away from things that are bad for me." It was gradual over a lifetime. As such, I know there's no one thing that will help me overcome this addiction. And the truth of the matter is that I don't think that these problems will ever leave me. I don't imagine that I'll ever be 100% free. But I'm trying really hard to make sure that I have more good days than bad.

Hopefully you guys who read this post will better understand what I mean when I say that I have food addiction. Whatever the official stance is about food addiction, I believe that it's real and it's something that I have. Please don't write it off, or underestimate how difficult this is. And do me a favor and don't tell me that you have it, too, when you're eating your third cookie and worried about losing 20 pounds. I want to be perfectly understood when I say that food addiction could have killed me if I hadn't had weight loss surgery, and it was ruining my life. It still does, some days, and unless I'm careful and work really hard, it could still do both of those things. 

I don't want to end this on a negative note. Despite the difficulties, life is better than it has been for a long time, and it'll continue to improve if I keep working hard. I've lost 145 pounds, I'm more active, my dating life is better, I have a cooler wardrobe, and I have a healthy life to look forward to. That's nothing to sneeze at.

It's a Race, I'm Winning!

Last Saturday I did what was UNTHINKABLE last year. I ran 13.1 miles! It was the American Fork Canyon Race Against Cancer. I just wanted to share some of the highlights.

1. My awesome cousin Sarah and I woke up crazy early in the morning around 3:30 AM, to meet at the finish line of the race to be shuttled up to the starting line, which was at Tibble Fork park up American Fork Canyon.

2. In our little goody bag that they gave us when we picked up our packets the day before, they included a pair of gloves and an emergency blanket. I thought, "Wow, those are weird things to include in a goody bag for a race," and promptly took them out and left them in my room. I can't tell you how much I regretted that! Waiting up at the starting line for like 2 hours in the frigid mountain air was awful! Luckily after a while, someone went around passing out more emergency blankets to the dummies who took theirs out of their goody bag, and I got warmed up a bit.
3. Everyone was wrapped up in their shiny, silver emergency blankets, which made everyone look like giant baked potatoes.

4. When the race finally started at 6AM, the sun was coming up over the mountains. The first 8 miles of the race was down AF canyon, and it was cool and shady. It was beautiful!
5. I'm SO grateful that they had little sample packets of energy jelly beans at the water stations. I had one pack of energy chews, and went through them really quickly. I didn't realize how much I'd need!
6. Since it was the Race Against Cancer, they had a bunch of signs along the way with quotes from people who had either survived cancer, or from people whose loved ones had lost the battle with cancer. It was uplifting and encouraging to read about people's experiences along the way. A lot of people had shirts or temporary tattoos with the names of people they were honoring in their run. I was running in honor of my aunt Laurie, who died of colon cancer.

7. Sarah and I stopped at one of the restrooms at like mile 5 or something like that. There was a long line, and a lot of people that we had worked hard to pass on the way ended up running past us again. So as soon as we were done with the bathrooms, we pushed ourselves to pass all those people again. There was one lady in a black and white skirt and purple shirt that we kept leap-frogging with for the rest of the race. We'd pass her, then she'd pass us, then we'd pass her... I'm pretty sure in the end, we finished before her!

8. The first 8 miles were all downhill, and not only did that make it a heck of a lot easier, it helped our time, too. At mile 9, I really started feeling the effects of running for so long, especially since it got hillier when we got out of the canyon. I'm super impressed with us, though, because we still ran all the hills, except one. There was one hill between miles 11 and 12 that might as well have been Mount Everest. I had to walk that one. Sarah still jogged circles around me while I walked it, but that's okay.

9. Around mile 10, we saw my cousin Anne bicycling in her neighborhood. That was a fun coincidence. She turned around and rode next to us for a minute. It was encouraging to see another familiar face.

10. Around mile 11, I really started to regret not bringing pain killers with me. OUCH.

11. Somewhere around mile 11, we met up with the people running the 5K. I saw a few people that I worked with. I knew we were close to the end, but meeting up with them gave me a boost of energy.

12. At mile 13, when we only had 0.1 mile left, we had enough energy to "sprint" to the finish line (my sprint is more like a jog, but it was the best I could do!).

13. Nearing the finish line, I started seeing family and friends cheering me on. My friend Walker and his mom, my aunt and uncle Stephen and Nancy, my cousin Linda and her daughter, and Robyn and my dad. My dad was right at the end taking pictures of me, and Robyn was of course there being totally prepared to help me and Sarah out with water and stuff for the end of the race. I'm just now realizing that I didn't get any pictures of me and my dad! Dang it. But he was there, just on the other side of the camera

14. I got really emotional at the end. It had been a LOT of hours of training. More than physically hard, it had been mentally hard to push myself for months to work up to the 13 miles. There were days that I would cry after my run because it was so difficult. It was also extremely rewarding. I'd never pushed myself so hard for so long before. And it wasn't just me; other people were there for me, pushing me along the way, and running right next to me! It was a little overwhelming. So there at the finish line, Robyn gave me a hug and didn't let go for a long time.

15. It took a LONG time after we stopped running for me to catch my breath. Not only that, I was in a ton of pain. So I took some Tylenol that someone had brought for me and walked around for a little while.

16. THEY HAD FREE MASSAGES!!!!! It was TOTALLY worth running 13 miles for a free massage. I'm not even being sarcastic. I love massages.

Anyhoo, there you go. Those are the highlights of the day. I would have added the free Kneader's french toast breakfast that they had at the end as a highlight, but I can't have bread, so I didn't get to enjoy that! I did cheat and have a popsicle, though. Not quite the Kneader's breakfast, but it was still a treat.

New June

Several years ago I made a New Year's resolution to not make any more New Year's Resolutions. It's the best resolution that I've ever made. The reason why is because I didn't want to feel obligated to make resolutions just because of an arbitrary holiday. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact the at least once a year, we collectively push ourselves and each other to be better. I was just tired of being asked what my resolutions were, when throughout the year I make goals already.

So here we are in June, and I'm working on a couple of things already, the main thing being training for a half marathon. I do have a new resolution (a "New June's" resolution?) to write twice a week; once to update my blog, and once to work on my creative writing. I realized that I haven't updated my blog about my weight loss journey in a long time- since January!! Yikes. This is the cycle that I go through- something big happens, and I write all about it for a while, and then I get overwhelmed with keeping up with it, so I stop for months at a time. So I decided that once a week, as far as the blog goes, I'll just write whatever dumb thing comes to mind and not worry too much about perfection. Then hopefully I won't get overwhelmed.

A while back when I was in a human development class, I remember learning that in my age group, people are deciding what kind of contribution they want to make to the world. Most children, teenagers, and young adults spend so much time taking, needing, and absorbing what the world has to offer, and once people get to my age, there comes a time when they have to choose: do I keep taking, or do I contribute? When I go to libraries and bookstores, there's always an incredible feeling of KNOWLEDGE and EXPERIENCE. It's like I feel smarter just by walking inside. Don't you think that's amazing? Hundreds of years of knowledge packed into a book? A lifetime of thoughts, sadness, laughter, and anger on a few pages? Hundreds of thousands of minutes and hours pondering of how life really is or what it could be? Dreaming of new worlds? I do.

Obviously not every book impacts everybody, or is necessarily even worth reading (I'm looking at you, Twilight). I think that the stories and books could be just as important or life-changing to the writer as they are for the reader. JK Rowling was once asked where she'd be without her writing; her response was, "depressed." Hopefully writing the blog more faithfully will help me figure out how to live this crazy life, and the creative writing will be a fun outlet and a healthy habit to develop on top of all the running that I'm doing.

Wish me luck.

A Quikie

I posted a few progress pictures tonight and got a LOT of positive responses. I'm thankful for the support that I'm getting from everybody. Thank you, and you, and you, and you, and you... etc. I realized it's been a while since I've given everybody an update, so here it is, hopefully nice and quick.

So how am I doing? I'll break it down.

Physically

I'm doing fine physically, for the most part. I spend a lot of time being nauseated or dizzy. It doesn't take a lot to make me nauseated. Just one bite too much, or one sip of a drink too much, and I'll be in the bathroom for long enough that people give me funny looks when I leave.

As far as the dizziness goes, I thought that's probably from not eating or drinking enough some days, but now I'm not so sure. Today I was really good and stuck to my diet and everything, and I spent a good portion of the day dizzy. There was one point of the day where my whole world tilted to the left as I was walking down the hall. I had to hold onto the wall for a moment until everything was upright again. I'm sure I'm doing something wrong with my diet or water intake or exercise or something. Whatever. I'll be fine.

I thought that I would feel different at this point. Really the only difference I feel besides the nausea and dizziness is that my clothes are all nice and loose. I don't have much more energy that I can tell, and my feet still hurt at the end of my 12 hour shifts. I thought that would change at this point. No, I don't really feel all that different.

To me, I don't even look that different. I look at my progress pictures and I'm super nitpicky about my body (just like everyone is about their own bodies), and I still see someone who is 380 lbs. I'm just trusting you guys in cyber-world to notice my progress.

Two other downsides to consider: I'm losing some hair, which makes me kind of sad, and I have saggy arm skin. I know the arm skin thing is a sign that I'm being successful at losing weight, but I really hate it. They are my wings, my Relief Society arms, or whatever you want to call them. I don't like them.

Someone on the support group Facebook page posted something like this the other day (I couldn't find it, so I just made my own). Everybody on the page thought it was really funny, but I die a little inside every time I see it. It just makes me look forward to skin removal surgery when I get into maintenance mode.

Emotionally

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Between the exercise, the saggy arms (and saggy boobs, let's get real here), the boring diet, and the bills from the surgery, there's a lot to "uuugh" about.

I can't exaggerate when I say there's just a whole lot of sucking it up and just doing it going on over here. I'm not saying it's not worth it. If it wasn't, I obviously wouldn't do any of it. People sometimes tell me they don't think that they could do what I'm doing, and they ask me how I do it. There's no magic answer. You suck it up and you get it done. You make a decision to do whatever hard thing you have to do, and you just put one foot in front of the other, so to speak. Maybe I'm missing some secret answer, like "Oh, you have to find joy in the little things, and it makes it easier!" or "The more you do it, the easier it is!" That's just a whole bunch of hogwash in my experience. It hasn't gotten easier. And from what I hear from others who have had the surgery, it never will. I've accepted that. A quote that I heard in support group a few months ago said, "Being fat is hard. Losing weight is hard. Choose your hard." Well, I've obviously chosen mine. It's hard, it will always be hard, but it would have been hard in other ways had I not gone through with the surgery.


Please don't take that to mean I'm not IMMENSELY grateful for the good things from the surgery. I really, truly am. I'm so grateful that I've had friends and family come out of the woodwork in order to be so supportive of me. This has actually served as a way for me to connect with friends that I haven't talked to in years and family who I don't really even know that well. I think, besides my health, that's been the biggest blessing by far. So THANKS A MILLION TIMES over and over and over to everyone. You've all been wonderful. I'm sorry for my whining and begging for attention. Sometimes I just really need it for the extra push to go to the gym, or to eat yet another bite of canned chicken. I really wouldn't be able to get through this without your support.