Angry Break Up Music

Alright, can I just take a moment to celebrate something?

No, I don't want to celebrate my amazing photography skills, although they're clearly evident in this picture. What I do want to celebrate is the fact that I'm wearing that particular workout shirt. Ok, not just that I'm wearing it, but the fact that I wore it in public. To the gym. And people saw me.

I realize that I'm at the beginning of the journey, and I have a long way to go before I'm considered a healthy weight. However, wearing this shirt felt significant. It means that I feel better about myself than I have in... ever. I'm starting to feel more confident, and better yet, healthier. I like these feelings. It's empowering. It makes me happy to stick to my sucky diet. It makes me want to go to the gym and work out for an hour. When I put on clothes that haven't fit me in a couple of years, it's a great surprise. My wardrobe has doubled since now I fit my old clothes again. But back to my point of the last paragraph: I work this shirt in PUBLIC. I usually cover as much as possible. This is a big deal, people.

Before I started writing this post, I reread my last post that I wrote 6 hours before surgery. I was so scared. Hopefully I put on a really brave face and that people didn't see the fear and doubt in my eyes. When I was wheeled into the operating room, it took all of the emotional strength I could muster to transfer myself to the operating table. I don't think I've ever had to put that much trust in people (the surgeon and his team) before, not even for my butt surgery. Although I know my surgeon is skilled and had a skilled team in the room with him, it's not an easy thing to ask of a person to put their health and future in other people's hands. With all of that said, I am so grateful to be feeling as good as I do right now, and I know I owe it to those people who I put ALL of my trust in. In my last post, I said that I was scared that I was making the wrong decision to have the surgery. Well, I'm so glad that I'm being validated in so many rewarding ways.

It's been an interesting 5-ish weeks since the surgery. I know I always say this, but I'll write more about it later. There's something that I wanted to bring up that was a fun discovery tonight. While on the treadmill at the gym tonight, I had such a blast listening to angry break-up songs. Hear me out before you dismiss me as being crazy. So much of what I'm going through with my diet and saying goodbye to the many, many pounds I'm losing feels like a breakup. As I'm listening to the songs, I start thinking about how they lyrics apply to what I'm going through right now. The best example I've come across so far is "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera. I'm just going to copy and paste the applicable lyrics, not all of them, so you see what I'm talking about. As you're reading it, just pretend that you're talking to your bad habits, or your fat, or whatever. (I swear I'm not crazy.)

After all you put me through,
You think I'd despise you,
But in the end I wanna thank you,
'Cause you've made me that much stronger

I've had enough
You were there by my side, always down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames 'cause your greed sold me out in shame

'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know
Just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it

[Chorus:]
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

I heard you're going round playing the victim now
But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave
After all of the fights and the lies 'cause you're wanting to haunt me
But that won't work anymore, no more,
It's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

In the end you'll see
YOU-WON'T-STOP-ME

I am a fighter and I
I ain't gonna stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough

It's sooooooooo cathartic to listen to this song while I'm working out. I love it. Here's the video of it so you can enjoy also. The video is weird, but I like the song.

Here are some other great songs that I loved listening to tonight:

"Bye Bye" by Jo Dee Messina

"My Give a Damn's Busted" by Jo Dee Messina

"DONE" by the Band Perry

"We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" by Taylor Swift

"Gives You Hell" by the All American Rejects

"Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen (I sing this to the pounds that I'm losing, haha.)

Anyhoo, there you go. I just had so much fun with those songs. Add them to your workout playlist. You're welcome. Also, here are a few other great workout songs that aren't angry ones. Add these ones, too.

"I Love Me" by Meghan Trainor

"Weight of the World" by Chantal Kreviazuk

"I Would Walk 500 Miles" by the Proclaimers (because that's what it feels like I'm doing when I'm on the treadmill)

"Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk

Welp, there ya go. Lots of music. Go work out. If I have to, so do you.

A Daring Adventure

You guys. 6 hours. I have 6 hours until I need to be at the hospital. They're going to cut me like sushi and sew me back together and WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?! 

This surgery is going to change my life, and I'm willing to put in the work for it. However, it's crazy that I'm doing this elective surgery where they're going to rearrange my perfectly good insides. I can hardly believe that I'm letting them do this to me. I mean, I'm only 31, and despite my weight, I'm in pretty good health, right? I feel more or less fine every day. 

On the other hand, there are things happening to my body silently that will have a serious negative impact on my life in the future. For example, remember me talking about my fatty liver? I don't have any symptoms from that, but it's there, and it's a problem. What else is going on in my body that I don't know about, these silent diseases sneaking up on me? (Silent But Deadly, lol.) 

I have to keep perspective. I've already written about the complications and risks for both morbid obesity and gastric bypass surgery. In my head it makes sense that I need to put myself at risk for certain terrifying things in order to prevent the other slightly more terrifying things. 

It doesn't quite feel real that it's going to happen tomorrow. Today was a normal day, and tomorrow everything is going to be different. It mostly just feels like a dream to me. There's nothing else I can do to prepare; I've done everything that the doctor and nurses have told me to do. Maybe it won't feel real until I wake up from surgery, or maybe not until the reality of my food restrictions has settled in. I don't know.

There are a few things that I'm actually really scared of. I'm scared that this is a bad choice; that I could have, and should have, tried harder to lose weight on my own. I'm scared that I'll have depression (a possible complication of the surgery for lots of reasons); I've been super lucky in my life not to suffer from clinical depression, and the thought of it is worse than the surgery itself. And I'm obviously scared of the surgery itself.

I've posted some pictures on my Facebook to go along with this post, because for some reason both my phone and my computer are having issues right now. When I get the chance, I'll update this post to include those pictures. The pictures are my "before pictures" and some inspirational quotes that I've put up around my room so I remember to get out of my comfort zone every once in a while. 

All fears aside, I'm excited for the future. Helen Keller said, "Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." Bring on the adventure!

Forbidden Love: I'm Empty Inside Without You

I've gotten a few questions about my liquid diet, so here's the next post about weight loss surgery.

1. What can I have as part of the diet?

For the first week, the only thing that I had was the Walmart brand of Slim Fast shakes. When I bought them, I was SO not looking forward to them. But after I tried the 3 flavors that are available, it wasn't so bad. Especially the strawberry. They taste kind of medicinal, but they're still good.

The number of shakes that I could have a day depended on the brand of shake I bought. It's a low-calorie, high-protein diet, and every brand has its own mix of nutrients. I could have 6 shakes a day of the brand that I bought.

After that first week, I bought some meals from my surgeon's office that for some reason they say are still okay to have. They're all like beef stews and chicken pasta, stuff that's soft and easily digestible. They add extra protein (I think it's whey protein) so I get my 70 grams a day that I'm supposed to have. So now instead of 6 shakes a day, I get 3 shakes a day and 2 meals.

They also have a protein-packed oatmeal that I can have if I want to replace one of the shakes a day. That oatmeal is okay. It's not-very-flavorful mush. Which I guess that's what all oatmeal is, basically, so I don't know why I'm trying to describe it further.

I can also have zero calorie, non carbonated drinks (yipee!). For example, Zero Water; however, when I tried to drink that, my tongue got offended and tried to leave. I begged it to stay and I promised I would never drink it again. My tongue was miffed with me, but begrudgingly forgave me. So there's that.

2. How long do you have to do it?

There are different stages of the diet pre- and post- operatively. This stage, or as I fondly refer to it, the “I hate everyone who even thinks about food, but no, really I'm fine” stage, is the one I described above. I'm on this for 3 weeks. As of right now I'm 6/7ths of the way through this phase, thank heaven.

I may or may not describe the other phases of the diet that I'm supposed to be on when I get there. I know you're all holding your breath for that.

3. Why do you have to do a liquid diet?

I have my liver to thank for that. Stupid, fat liver.

No really. It's because of my fatty liver. Normal size people have firm, small-ish livers. Morbidly obese people have large, soft livers. Compare:

If someone has a fatty liver, it's kind of floppy, and drapes over the top of the stomach. This makes it difficult to do the surgery laproscopically, since the point of it is to work with the stomach. So the liquid diet makes the liver smaller and more firm in order to make laproscopic surgery possible. That means better, easier, and faster recovery.

4. Is it hard?

Well, yes and no.

Once you've resigned yourself to the fact that you're not going to be eating good food for the rest of your life (don't argue with me, you're not the ones who are facing a tiramisu-and-french-fry-less life), it's not too hard. At my food funeral, I was getting really stressed because I doubted whether or not I could stick to such a strict diet. But honestly, I don't know why it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. Maybe because I've told almost everyone I know about the diet and the surgery, so all eyes are on me? Maybe because my family is helping me pay for the surgery, and I don't want to mess it up? Maybe losing weight hasn't been hard all along but I never gave it a fair go? Maybe I'm stronger than I thought? I don't know. Probably all of the above.

Okay, so I started writing this post a couple of days ago, so here's an update within an update: It has its moments of being freaking hard. I haven't been as good at making sure I eat when I'm hungry; sometimes I go 5 or 6 hours without eating, usually because I'm working or out doing other stuff and I haven't planned my meals. I realize I need to be better at eating something before I'm starving. But you know what sucks? Chugging a Slim Fast when everyone else is eating Cafe Rio. Or ordering an herb tea without milk or cream or sugar from a cafe when everyone else is eating pumpkin spice rolls and Oreo brownies and quiche and ham and cheese sandwiches on croissants!!!!! (Those are separate things; sorry about my lack of commas.) All I want is a grilled cheese sandwich. A whole plate of sandwiches! No, make that a bed of them; I want to wrap myself in a blanket of bacon while falling asleep eating my bed of grilled cheese sandwiches in my cheesecake house, dang it! Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

[Eyes come back into focus]

Me: What? You guys are still here?

[Wipes drool from chin]

Me: Uh, yeah, I'm doing fine, thanks for asking.

[Stabs someone and runs away with their bagel]

[Marries the bagel]

What is Weight Loss Surgery?

This is going to be a series of blog posts, I think. I was trying to think of all the topics that I wanted to cover in regards to this surgery, and I started thinking about how long it would be to read all of that. So I'm going to break up the ideas I have so everyone can peruse them however you want.

Blog post numero uno: what is gastric bypass, and why did I choose it over the other weight loss surgeries?

Basically, there are 3 major options for weight loss surgery.

1. The Lap Band.

            They put an adjustable band around your stomach, and they can make it tighter or looser with saline solution that they put into the port under the skin with a needle.

            Here are some things that I didn't like about this option. Statistically, patients have had less weight loss and have kept it off for less time than the other surgeries. 

           Secondly, you have that thing in you forever. I don't like that idea because of the risk of infection. I mean, I know there's a risk of infection with any surgery, but especially one that purposefully leaves something behind inside of you.

          Thirdly, there's this thing called “productive burping.” It sounds horrifying. I won't go into lots of detail, but the three words to best describe it are “soooooooo much mucous.” I'll leave your imaginations to wander how they will.

2. Gastric Sleeve.

            Pretty simple idea. Cut the stomach in half (vertically) and take out the extra part. Then your stomach is like a third of the size that it was.

            I only have one reason I didn't want this surgery; it's is because of the chance that I might have worse heartburn after the surgery than before, for some reason. I already take daily medications for GERD; if I don't take it, I feel like someone is putting out a cigarette inside my chest every few minutes. I don't need that to be any worse than what it already is. I'm not sure why it can get worse after the surgery. Hang on, let me look it up. *Googles stuff* Yeah, I still don't know. Sorry.

3. Gastric bypass.

This is definitely the most complicated and invasive one. It's too complicated to explain, so here's an animated video that shows you the steps. 

I've heard this called the “gold standard” of weight loss surgeries. You get the most weight loss and you keep it off for the longest. There could be complications with this one, obviously, as with all surgeries. There could be small bowel obstructions, dumping syndrome, and a slew of other things. But I'm choosing this one over the other, less invasive surgeries simply because I'm more willing to deal with the risks of surgery than I am of staying overweight.

The Risks

Potential complications of gastric bypass:

small bowel obstructions

dumping syndrome

hair loss

dehydration

ulcers

nutritional deficiencies

However, if I don't lose the weight...

Risks of morbid obesity:

Diabetes

blindness

heart attack

stroke

sores in toes and feet leading to amputations

nerve damage in feet

digestion problems

kidney damage requiring dialysis

Wear and tear on joints that will probably require surgeries

Many of those that I listed are really the complications from diabetes, like the blindness and nerve damage and stuff. But if I don't lose weight, it's not a matter of IF I get diabetes, but WHEN.

I know it sounds like the complications of surgery are terrible, and they are. But compared to the complications that come from morbid obesity? I dunno… I'd rather be dehydrated than blind. I'd rather have nutritional deficiencies than have my extremities amputated. I'd rather have thin hair than a stroke. I'd rather throw up if I eat something my stomach can't handle (aka “dumping syndrome”) than be on dialysis for the rest of my life. So yeah, when you put the complications side by side, I know what the best plan is for me.   

To clarify, the sleeve and bypass share some of the risks I listed. It's not like bypass is exponentially more risky than the others, although reading through this made me realize that's what I've implied. 

Before the surgery

Before I even qualified for the surgery, there were a lot of steps I had to take and meetings I had to go to. The surgical weight loss program at Utah Valley Hospital makes you jump through some hoops. I don't think that the extra steps are bad at all. I think it's great that they make you see a psychologist to see how you're doing emotionally, and if you can handle the big life change coming up. Seeing a nutritionist and exercise therapist are important steps, too, because you need to know what's expected of you in order for you to lose weight after the surgery. And then they make you get some lab work done, which makes sense to me, too. I'm glad that I'll have this support system of professionals to help guide me through the recovery.

Although this wasn't a requirement, they highly recommended that I go to the support group for people that have had weight loss surgery. They only meet once a month, so I've only been to one meeting, but it was so helpful to see people on the other side of the surgery at different stages of their recovery. I even got a new wardrobe from a girl who was giving away all of her pre-surgery clothes.

As many of you know, one of the biggest things before surgery is that I have to be on a “liquid” diet for three weeks. (I put that in quotations because they have tv-dinner style meals that are “easily digestible” and “packed with protein” that I can have. Basically if you just mix your Lean Cuisine with protein powder, that's what they are.)

After the surgery

After the surgery, there will definitely be some issues that I'll have for the rest of life, and some things that I might have. For example, because the amount of nutrients decreases so much, I'll be required to take supplements for the rest of my life (like a mulitvitamin and calcium).

I'll have to be extra diligent with my water intake, making sure that I'm drinking a bit at a time throughout the day. I can't just gulp a couple cups of water down before bed and call it good.

I might have some hair loss, which is incredibly annoying to me, because I'm vain about my hair.

So there you go. Gastric bypass. Now you know as much as I do.