Fatty McFatFat

Alrighty, so a little background. I think I promised everyone more of my secrets, but let's be real, it's no secret that I'm overweight. That's something I've struggled with since I was young, and it's getting worse and worse and worse... I know it's a trial for everyone to be fit and healthy, but unless you've been clinically obese, you don't know what it's like to never be satisfied with what you eat. You can eat until you're perfectly ill and still want more.

For example, a few weeks ago I was craving cheesecake. So I bought the stuff for it, made it when I got home, and ate the whole thing that night. People, this was not some pansy out-of-the-box cheesecake. I'm talking like the really, really rich stuff that people only request "slivers" of; the real Fatty McFatFat stuff. When my plate (or pie tin) was empty, the only thing that I could think of (besides being mad at myself for eating a whole cheesecake) was whether or not the store was open so that I could go buy the stuff to make another one. Although I didn't buy more that night, I did like 2 days later. I'm sad to say that events like Cheesecakefest are all too frequent in my life. The past couple nights it's been Arby'spalooza up in here. Don't judge, okay? Their curly fries are delicious.

Everyone has a theory about why obese people are obese. The answer that makes the most sense to me is that food is an addiction the way that illicit drugs are an addiction: some people overeat to chase a high (because eating feels good while you're doing it), some overeat to numb feelings (because if you're focused on eating, or being sick from eating, you don't have to think about the crappy day you had, or the stack of bills on your desk).

 Food addiction is new in our vocabulary; the obesity epidemic is fairly new to us, too. The reading I've done on food addiction basically says that it's not accepted by everyone, that some people attribute obesity merely to a character flaw, like laziness, or gluttony. However, I doubt those who claim that food addiction is not a thing have ever obsessively thought about food over any other concerns in their life, nor have they spent so much money on food that they wonder if they'll be able to pay their rent. (Yes, I've done that, and I know, I'm cringing, too, just from typing that out; but I promised you secrets, and I promised myself I'd be honest.) I've read the material on food addiction, and it all rings true to me. In fact, reading about it was actually a relief, because it helped me realize that I have a problem that can be solved, rather than an incurable character flaw that causes embarrassment, self-hate, and shame. 

I invite you to read the article that helped me understand more about myself, http://authoritynutrition.com/how-to-overcome-food-addiction/ and to watch the accompanying video, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn1cI8FNU6M.

Okay, right now you might be asking yourselves why I don't go see like a nutritionist or dietician, or even a personal trainer. Been there, done that. Done special diets. I was even vegan for 9 months last year, which by far was the longest diet change I've ever done in my life, and that, in and of itself, was a huge accomplishment for me. But the fact of the matter is that while they teach me healthy eating habits and good exercise routines, they don't teach me better coping skills for stress, or how to get myself out of a downward spiral of negative behaviors. They don't help me face that stack of bills on the counter, or help me to think positively about myself. In short, they don't get to the root of the problem.

On that note, think about this. When I was on my mission, I lost about 65 pounds. Walking miles and miles every day in high heat and humidity will do that to you. Here are some pictures of me looking pretty awesome:

 

I looked pretty good, huh? The funny thing is that even after all that weight loss, to me, I still looked the same in the mirror. And I felt the same way about myself. And I still ate like crazy whenever I was stressed or tired or being social, which on a mission, is all the time for all three things. So even though I weighed less, I still wasn't where I needed to be emotionally to make it stick. 

You see where I'm coming from? So now I'll try therapy for a while, and hopefully change the way I think, which will change my negative behavior.