Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!!! :)

Yesterday some of the residents at work and I were swapping jokes. I want to share some of my favorites:

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What do you call a fish with no "eyes?"
Fsh.

Where does a general put his armies?
In his sleevies.

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. A worker sees him and starts walking over to him to see if he can help with anything. Then the blind man picks up the dog by the tail and starts swinging him around. The worker runs over and says, "What are you doing?!" The blind man says, "Oh, I'm just looking."

A pan of muffins was in the oven. One muffin turned to another and said, "Man, is it getting hot in here to you?" And the other muffin says, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! A talking muffin!"

I Still Hate eHarmony

I have a dear friend who convinced me to yet again try online dating. "It'll be fun! We'll do it together!" That should have been a red flag. How do you do online dating "together?" Well, I gave in yesterday after receiving an email from eHarmony saying that I'd been "nudged" by someone who had seen my old profile. Okay, Logan from Lindon, I thought. You want a piece of this? Let's see what you got.

Less than 24 hours later, I was crying because of that stupid website. More like stupid Logan from Lindon.

If I had the guts, I would write him an email that would go like this:

"Logan from Lindon,
A couple times so far you've said that excessive weight is a deal breaker; why, then, are you still writing to me? Do you not see my pictures? I try to put pictures up where it's obvious that I'm overweight so I'm not embarrassed when I think someone is worth getting to know and then have them turn me down because of my weight. I'm worth getting to know: I'm kind, I love my family, I have a job that I love and that I know is doing some good in the world, I think life and the world and every person on it is amazing. I have served in the church faithfully as a missionary and in various other callings. I'm talented, emotionally stable, independent, deeply compassionate, and unfailingly optimistic.

 So please, in the future, if weight is such an issue for you that you can't see all of that in me or in others, don't write to the overweight girls. You are wasting your time and mine.

Erin from Provo"

Maybe I will put that on my profile instead. You know, so I can be sure to scare everyone off before they ever even talk to me!

I'm not saying that my weight isn't an issue in terms of my health, but I'm tired of it hindering other people from getting to know me. I am not a second-rate person because of my weight, and I'm tired of feeling that way, especially when it comes to dating. I have a lot to offer someone in a relationship. One thing is for sure: Logan from Lindon will definitely not be getting a piece of this.

                                         The most recent picture of me

Thanking My Past Self

When I get home from 8 hours of changing adult diapers, cleaning up vomit, walking around in wet shoes because I just showered 3 other people, and smiling even though in my head I'm screaming, I'm sweaty, tired, emotionally drained, and my feet kill me. The only thing I want to do is to sit on the couch and not move or think or talk to anyone for the rest of the day. But I think to myself, "Hey, if I take a shower tonight, I won't have to do it early in the morning, and I can sleep in longer." (Not to mention the fact, of course, that I'm crawling with old people germs.) Then, when I wake up after those 7 hours and 20 extra minutes, I take a moment to thank my past self for doing me such a huge favor.

When I take a minute to put a couple extra rolls of toilet paper in the bathroom cupboard, I know  my future self is really going to say thank you. And, come to think of it, so will my roommate's future self (although probably not out loud).

When I put gas in my car before it hits empty, I know my future self will drive down the road without wondering whether or not she's going to have to call her aunt and uncle to come rescue her (not that I know this from experience, of course!).

When I pay my bills so I'm ahead in payments, I know my future self is REALLY going to appreciate it!

For a couple of days, I've been thinking about this concept of doing things for my future self. As in, my future self is a totally different person and not the me that I will be later. If that makes any sense. Anyhoo, let me back up first.

I've never really admitted this before a couple of days ago, or even realized this about myself, but I think my biggest fear is of getting old. For the past two years I've been working with people with Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc... Is it necessary to say that these are scary diseases and that I don't want them? My plan was to live until I saw a grandchild or two, and then peacefully die in my sleep somehow when I'm like 60. Make that 55. I don't know, just sometime before I start having major health issues, whenever that will be. My line of work makes my outlook on the future look pretty bleak. (To clarify, not just my future; yours, too.)

Then I saw a video that put my fears on a list. A very scary list: the 16 leading causes of death [in the United States]. The majority of things on that list are very slow, sad, and painful ways to die.

Just imagine for a second that you're afraid of snakes and spiders and heights. For some of you, that might not be too hard to imagine. Now just imagine that someone gives you a box, and you open it up, and TA DAH! There's a bunch of spiders and snakes inside. Then you look up and you realize that you're bungee jumping off a cliff. That's what this list was: a box full of snakes and spiders and heights, handed right to me.

Luckily, the video is a doctor's presentation of how these diseases can be slowed, reversed, or ideally, even prevented. "How?" you probably didn't ask? Well, let me tell you!  It's really simple. Stop eating animal products. Like, now. And yes, that includes __________ and ___________ and ____________, whatever you think is delicious and couldn't bear to give up. Ice cream, yogurt, steak, tuna fish sandwiches. Yes. If it came from an animal, then yes. If you want to watch the video, click RIGHT HERE. I promise it's worth your time.

The purpose of this post isn't to convince you to be vegan. Or even to be vegetarian. I really just want to explain why I  am giving this a try. For now, go back to the snakes and spiders and heights. If someone told you that the box of creepy crawly things would disappear (or maybe just leave one or two) if you would just stop eating meat, would you do it? You wouldn't have to deal with those icky things any more. Ever. Would you do it?

Okay, I know I'm taking the analogy too far. My point is that in the past couple weeks of being "vegan," I've felt like I have a shot at a better future. (I have to add the side note that there are two things weirding me out about all of this: one, that I'm so okay with it, when all other diets or anything I've tried have been a fight; and two, applying the label of "vegan" to myself. That just feels weird.) I feel hope that I might grow old without my mind or capabilities diminishing. If that means giving up cheese or bacon, so be it. I can see my future self, surrounded by lots of grandbabies and great grandbabies, thinking back to her 28 year old self, and just being grateful for her choices.

The Hobbits Have It Right

Hey, peeps. I know I promised to write more about that diet that I'm on. Instead of writing about it, I wanted to show a video that pretty much sums up what a struggle it is to be on a diet. This is Jenna Marbles, a vlogger. She swears a lot, so don't watch if you don't like that.

I laughed super hard at this. Almost all of those words have come out of my mouth! "How did that get in my mouth?" "I'm gonna drink this whole glass of water... Oh yeah, it's making me so full!"

One of the things that I'm liking more and more about my diet is that I get to eat stuff that I like. I'm getting better about thinking outside of the diet box (the "I have to eat veggies all day every day" sort of mentality). I don't like having to sit there and plan every single calorie that I have to eat throughout the day, but at least in the end I have a menu that's easier to follow than most, because I like what I'm supposed to eat. (It's been much easier since we took yogurt off the menu.)  Sometimes I want to go to the drive thru at McDonald's and order 6 cheeseburgers, but then I look at my menu and think, "What? I get to have pancakes with real syrup?!" And then all of a sudden eating 6 cheeseburgers and a salad doesn't seem like that much of a temptation.

And I get to eat delicious food (in the right proportions and quantities) 7 times a day. Every day. Like the hobbits, with their first breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, onsies, and whatever the names of their other meals are.

On that note, it's time to eat scrambled eggs and cheese. Mmmmmm.

A Realization

Yesterday I had a significant realization about my future in regards to health and weight, and I can see my future very clearly. I realized that no matter how much weight I lose, and no matter how confident I feel in my eating habits, I will always have to be careful. Every day I eat healthy is a like a day an alcoholic is sober. For an alcoholic, even 2, 5, 10 years down the road, something could happen that could trigger all those emotions and habits, and if they're not careful, they could relapse into the same downward spiral as before.

I imagine my life being very similar. Right now, every day is a fight for "sobriety." Right now every day is a struggle for me. I know that it will get easier. But 2, 5, 10 years down the road, I will have to remain strong and aware of the things that trigger my bad habits.

I know this sounds dramatic, but I really feel like I am fighting for my life. Does that make any sense? But hey, it's a good fight, right?

Ice Cream Leads to Mohawks and Anarchy

On Friday as I was driving home from an appointment with my nutritionist, I was thinking of writing this post and naming it, "Please Excuse Me While I Go Eat Another *#!$%$!!* Yogurt." Let me explain.

You see, my appointments with the nutritionist never go as planned, and today was no exception. When it comes to weighing myself week to week, I get the same feeling in my stomach as I do when I see a test full of essay questions rather than multiple choice. There's no making up for your lack of preparation at that point. You either know the answers to the essay questions, or you don't; you either lost weight, or you didn't.

Do I even have to say at this point that I didn't lose any weight this week?

So, in true Erin fashion, when I got home, I cried myself into a two hour nap and swore to myself that I would never eat again. (I openly admit to being a girl in every sense of the word- sometimes I have to cry and pout and throw a small tantrum before I can move on with things.) Then I woke up, and ate my lone yogurt like a good girl, and I decided that that blog title is probably unnecessary and also not very creative.

But I don't want this post to be about how crappy today was (although the intro to this post is the finishing touch on my tantrum- whew! Okay, I'm done!). In reality I'm making progress in a few areas regarding my diet, and I want to share with everybody because there are things that are working for me, so maybe some of them will be helpful to you.

I've heard about, and tried, lots of different kinds of diets:

1. Ones with pills. When I was about 16, I was prescribed some with the side of effect of "explosive diarrhea." As if high school isn't hard enough. That never happened to me, though, since I refused to take them. 
2. Ones that require you to eat half a grapefruit for every meal. Or nutrition shake. Or celery. Or whatever. Yeah, right.
3. Ones that require tapeworms. While I never did that one, I'm sure it would've happened to me sooner or later if I had drunk the water in Paraguay! :)
4. Ones that require surgery. This was a definite no-go for me. Not only would I have to deal with the pain and recuperation of the surgery, afterwards I would still have to go through the same process of learning to eat correctly as I would if I had never had the surgery. So, no thank you.
5. Any "Biggest Loser" style. Lose it all by working out eight hours a day. Also no thank you. (Although, I do have Biggest Loser to thank for at least getting me started in this path. I auditioned for the show a couple seasons ago, and I realized that if I was willing to go on national TV to lose the weight, I should be willing to do the work at home, since that's where I was going to be anyway.)
6. Any from the list on this site: neatorama.com

 So anyway, let me tell you about my diet. The program I chose is from Total Health and Fitness. You can go to their website by clicking here, and you can watch a video about the philosophy behind the program RIGHT HERE. I HIGHLY recommend watching this video. If you don't do anything else as a result of this post, I won't care, but please watch this video! It's so informative.

 I always knew that the best way for me to lose weight was to learn self control and healthy eating habits. If I didn't learn those, then to me, I wouldn't be as successful. The main idea of the diet is in order to keep your metabolism high to burn calories and fat all day, you eat 6 or 7 small meals a day, as opposed to 3 large ones. Here's a graph that I found on Google images that kind of shows what I mean:

Rather than having the high highs and the low lows of eating 3 meals a day, your body is more efficiently burning the calories that you take in by keeping your metabolism higher throughout the day.

In order to learn to do this, my nutritionist and I decide what my daily menu be for a week. Yes, it's the exact same menu every day for the whole week, and the next week I can change it. This may seem boring to some people, but do you really think it's easy to program yourself to live a completely different lifestyle? Bad habits need to be broken and better ones put in place.

Here are some things I've learned about why doing this is difficult:

1. There are 1,000 reasons why I eat. Only one of them is out of hunger. Food is my party buddy. It's my shoulder to cry on when I'm sad. It's my needy friend that calls when I have a million things to do. It watches movies with me. Man, I need more friends. Anyway, you see my point? Using food as a social lubricant or a coping mechanism for stress or sadness leads me down a bad road. The key for me (and I'm still learning, so don't think I've mastered it) is to know why I want food. Am I really hungry? Or am I just avoiding cleaning my room?

2. I miss feeling full. This has been a huge struggle for me. There's something so satisfying about being full! It's my adult security blanket, if you will.  There's such a huge difference between not feeling hungry and being stuffed. I've kept myself stuffed for most of my life, as if being hungry (or the lack of being stuffed) was not the correct way of living. Now I have to rewire my brain to think of food as fuel, and not my security blanket. That's my new mantra: "food is fuel." I need to start saying that when all I get is cottage cheese and veggies. FoodisfuelFoodisfuelFoodisfuelFoodisfuelFoodisfuel!

3. Eating the same thing day after day sucks. It doesn't matter how much you love a food, if you eat it because you HAVE to, you're going to get sick of it fast. Yogurt is one usually of my favorite foods. Clearly not so much right now. I know that I get to choose the menu. But seriously. You try eating the same thing every day. But as I said before, this is all just to help me break bad habits and develop good ones.

4. Diets suck in general. In the past, while I've been on a diet, I've eaten whole containers of ice cream just because nobody tells me what to do, dang it! I'm such a rebel, I know.

        These are the steps: first, ice cream; second, mohawks; third, anarchy and chaos!

The key to change this mindset it to think of "diet" as a four-letter word. What I'm doing is NOT a diet. It's a lifestyle change. Eating healthy and being active is a lifestyle choice. I make that more complicated by carrying my emotional baggage with me like it was a 72 hour kit in the middle of a disaster. But it's really that simple.


Back to stuff my nutritionist said. There are 3 basic foundations to eating healthy:

1. Eat every 2-3 hours. I already talked about the benefits. I really should mention that the goal is that you'll be satisfied, not hungry or full. You know, the whole "everything in moderation" spiel.
2. The more you do (ie calorie output), the more you eat. The less you do, the less you eat. Pretty self explanatory.
3. Every meal should include protein, carbohydrates, and fat. Your body needs all of them.

This is kind of an unorganized post. I have more to say about this topic, but I've been writing for a while and don't want to finish this right now. So I'm going to write more later. I guess I'll go eat my yogurt now.

Even Beyoncé Isn't Perfect

I found this picture on the internet today and I want everyone to remember that just because someone looks polished and pretty MOST of the time, doesn't mean that's how they really are. Even Beyoncé has her moments:

Stop comparing yourself at your worst to someone that's at their best. It's an unfair comparison! Just love yourself no matter what, because the truth is, we all pull a Beyoncé every now and again. And yes, I AM going to start using that as a verb to mean "to be good just most of the time." Or something to that effect.