Green

My favorite color is blue. When given the choice of similar items where one is any shade of blue versus any other shade of any other color, I usually pick blue. My favorite days are sunny ones with blue skies. My favorite places are usually places I can either sit and stare at turquoise water, or swim in it. When I bought myself a car a couple years ago, the only cars I considered purchasing were the blue ones. I would probably be okay if my entire wardrobe was blue, especially navy blue. Some people feel the most like themselves when they wear black, with the oft repeated sentiment that it matches their soul. Somehow, my soul is blue. 

Oregon has made me reconsider. Walking through forests that glow with all different shades of green might do that to you, too. Green is everywhere here. It's in everything and it covers everything, from the fields of clover, to the trees covered in lichen, to the mossy rocks in the rivers. Green is the color of life, as cliche as that thought is. Even out of the death and decay of old, fallen trees, new, green growth sprouts. As I've hiked the trails here, it's no exaggeration to say that I've been awestruck with the feeling of green: vibrant, rejuvinating, hopeful, and alive. 

I left Utah a few months ago feeling pretty terrible. The green of Oregon has been a much needed balm for my wounds. That was really the whole point of moving away from Utah, to get a little peace and perspective. I was so angry all the time there, and I just needed to do something- anything- different. 

Don't get me wrong, I still feel lonely, angry, and bitter sometimes. Dating is still awful here; the only difference is that now it includes even more emotionally unavailable, non-monogamous, "420 friendly" commitment-phobes who don't know what they want out of their life, but are sure that what the world needs is more brands of organic, vegan beard oil... Oops, did I just let my bitterness show? I'm working on it, *I swear*.

Anyway, it's harder to feel hopeless when I'm hiking, watching squirrels run up and down their mossy playgrounds, and listening to the roar of giant waterfalls. It's a good reminder that there is more to life than seeking companionship of a significant other.

My contract at the hospital in Springfield ended a couple weeks ago. Next week I'm moving to Berkeley, California to start a new contract. I'll be there for 13 weeks. Of course there's the excitment of moving and starting a new job, but I already miss Oregon. I'll probably be back. I need more green in my life.

Cute Animals, Sad Posts, and New Adventures

I feel the need to warn you that this isn't exactly the happiest post I've ever written. So to prepare you for what you might consider to be self-indulgent whining for however long it takes you to read this, here's a picture of a cute animal that I googled (it's called a quokka, aka the world's happiest animal):

                                                     It really is freaking adorable. You're welcome.    
Okay, ready?

I'm 37 years old, single, and unhappy about it. I post about it a lot on Facebook. Some of my earliest memories are of me being boy-crazy, including being like 3 or 4 years old and sneaking kisses with the neighbor boy my age while we were playing "House." Growing up, I had a plan that I was going to meet my future husband on my mission and be married by the time I was 25. My hopes of meeting someone were still high when I was 35, and I just KNEW that someday it would all become clear why I had to wait so long to find Mr. Perfect. 

Then I met someone, fell completely in love with him within the first month, and proceeded to take another 13 months to not only figure out but also accept that we were irreconcilably incompatible. It didn't matter how much I loved him. I broke up with him, which felt (and still feels) like cutting out my own heart.

Since that breakup, I've lost hope that I will find someone to love that will also love me. Because I can't muster up a spark of hope, I feel like anything else I do is pointless. I'm jealous and angry that other people can find someone that loves and accepts them completely and I can't. I'm jealous and angry that other people have that person to be a witness to their life, and a partner in it, while I do everything by myself and go home to an empty apartment. 

To cut to the chase, I feel purposeless, bitter, and sad. The loss of hope for companionship in my life has colored how I feel about everything else; or to be more accurate, has sucked all the color out of everything else, because everything seems kind of gray. I can't imagine how any amount of travel, education, job success, or service to others can fill the void in my life. I just feel mad all the time, and I'm so tired of blaming myself and trying to find the life lesson in my misery.

I'm not proud of how I feel, and honestly, I'm not my biggest fan right now. 

*Cue the "shoulds"*

I should be grateful. I should thank my lucky stars that I'm not in a bad/toxic/abusive relationship. I should take advantage of my independence, travel more, etc. I should be able to celebrate other people's joy without it taking away from mine. I should recognize that so many people would love to be in my shoes right now. You don't have to tell me, my mind is swimming with the things I know I SHOULD do. I feel like I'm holding a winning hand of cards and pouting that I haven't won yet.

My goal is to somehow lose this anger, bitterness, and undercurrent of dissatisfaction. I don't think that I will lose the sadness, because I feel like I'm grieving the loss of something that was really important to me. But I really need to stop being hurt and mad all the time.

I want to be the kind of person that is happy on my own. Maybe I need to better evaluate why I want to be in a relationship so much and see if I can find whatever it is I'm looking for in other areas of my life. Maybe I need to develop and strengthen other types of relationships that I already have. Maybe I need to focus on a career. Maybe I just need a dog. 

The truth is that I don't really know what to do from here. I don't know how to all of a sudden stop wanting the one thing that I've wanted since I was 4, when I chased the neighbor boy around the Fisher Price playground in his backyard to get him to kiss me and call me his wife. All I know is that I have to find a way to stop feeling bitter. 

One of the decisions that I made recently in order to stop feeling like this is to move out of Utah. I took a travel contract in Springfield, Oregon, and I leave this week. After that, I'm planning on taking a few other contracts in other states. I know that moving somewhere new doesn't change who I am or my problems. The worst case scenario is that I will at least be distracted from how I'm feeling with a new place and new adventures. The best case scenario is that new experiences will give me better perpective and bring me a little peace. 

A couple of important things I want to add:

• Please don't worry about me. I recognize that I've have had some low-grade depression for the last year or so, but it is not severe or debilitating. I don't want anyone thinking that they need to stage an intervention for me. I go to therapy, and my therapist has helped me muddle through shittier parts of the last year. I'm mostly okay, just working through some newer, intense emotions that I've never really experienced before.
• I know you all- my friends and family who read this- love me. I know I'm welcome in your lives. My heartbreak isn't from a lack of love from you guys. 

Anyhoo, sorry if this is a bummer post. I'm sorry if I seem whiny and like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to be that way. I don't know why I sometimes feel the need to bear my soul to the internet, but here it is, nonetheless. 

                                       Here is a definitely not photoshopped picture of Springfield.