Breakdown in the Soup Aisle

It's no secret that I had gastric bypass a few years ago. My weight and my eating habits were out of control. Since then, my relationship with food has been nothing short of a roller coaster; some days I feel pretty good about it, and other days I feel like it's ruining my life.

What is much less known is that over the past couple of years, bad food habits have reared their ugly head and taken hold of my life once again. I've gained 40+ pounds since nursing school started. While I'm not at my starting weight of 385 (YIKES), the scale is climbing in that direction, and it's actually kind of terrifying. Gastric bypass changed my life for the better. Without it, I promise you I would not be a nurse right now. I don't ever want to go back to where I was.

I finally caved and went to go see my surgeon, David Watts, despite feeling like I've failed myself AND him (and everyone else). He's a nice guy, of course, and only wants me- and all of his patients- to succeed. He gave me a pep talk. "You've worked so hard and put so much into this to give up. It's not impossible. It will take longer, but you can do it." Together we made a plan: do a pouch reset (more on that in a sec), see the nurse over the weight loss program in 3 months, come back to see him in 6 months. If I'm not losing weight by then we will talk about more radical interventions. Additionally, if I'm still having a hard time with cravings or feeling hungry with the correct amount of food, he said that he is okay with me requesting an appetite suppressant medication called phentermine from my primary care doctor. However, it's not time to cross that bridge yet.

(As a side note, I just looked up the side effects of that medication, and those are also terrifying.)

I have a terrible memory, and I don't remember if I've written about what a pouch reset is before. I'm sorry if this is a repeat of previous posts. A pouch reset is just doing a shorter version of the pre-op diet: 1 day of clear liquid diet, 2-3 days of full liquids, 2-3 days of puree diet, 2-3 days of soft foods, and then back to regular foods. In addition to the restrictions on food choices, you also have to STRICTLY control portions (1- 1.5 cups for me), and eat it over 20-30 minutes. That last part is a lifelong thing, not just part of the pouch reset. It's one of the worst parts about the post-op diet. Imagine trying to eat a jello cup over 30 minutes, and that's your whole freaking meal.

With my list of approved foods in hand, I went to Winco today. Sugar free jello, broth, SF popsicles, Dasani SF water flavor enhancers for the clear diet day; SF pudding, cream soup, applesauce, protein shakes for the full liquid diet days; hummus, cottage cheese, yogurt, eggs for the puree days. I had flashbacks of the days right after my surgery that I choked down those foods for what seemed like endless weeks. By the end of the full liquid days, I couldn't even think about creamed soups without feeling nauseated. Every time I advanced to a new diet level I could have cried. Being so restricted on food was miserable. And today, there I was again, standing in the soup aisle, holding a damn can of cream of chicken soup, not able to hold back the tears as I wondered how I would be able start all over again. Other moments in Winco that caused me tears today: I couldn't find the @#$#@$! hummus, and WHY ARE THOSE COOKIES ON SALE?! I'm telling you, the grocery store is a battle zone for me. I know that I'm not alone in this; many people in my surgical weight loss support group have voiced the same thing.

I'm so discouraged. I don't want to do this, and I don't want to be this person who needs so much regulation over something that is a basic function of life. I find it wildly unfair that food is an addiction that I cannot quit cold-turkey (another thing I can't have right now, haha). If you were to tell a heroin addict that they needed to have JUST A LITTLE BIT of heroin every day, but not too much, that would sound insane. That's exactly how this makes me feel.

Please excuse my whining and feeling sorry for myself. I absolutely understand that this is such a first world problem. "Oh noooo, I have too much fooooooooooooood!" I'll get over my anger and resentment. I just have to feel it first. It might take a few days, but I'll get there.

I've kept off over 100 pounds since my surgery; I shouldn't forget the progress that I've made. Here are some pictures as a reminder to myself that I've come SO far.

BEFORE:

Yikes.

AFTER:

Dayuuummmm I look good in this pic.

Skinny face.

Holy crap, I'm a nurse! Like officially! That's too weird.

I don't know why it's showing up so weird, but I ran 6 miles today. That's definitely something I wouldn't have been able to do pre-surgery. I never even ran ONE mile pre-surgery.

Okay, going through those pictures is actually really helpful. It reminds me that my health is worth the hard work. I've said this before, but someone once told me, "Losing weight is hard, but so is being fat. Choose your hard." *Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggghhhhhhh* Fine. I guess I have to choose the hard that doesn't include pastries. 

You guys, this is hard. If you see me eating something that I shouldn't, please feel free to slap it out of my hands. (That reminds me, if you haven't seen the Slap Chef video, go do it now. In fact, here you go:)

Also, here is my new theme song. I heard it today and fell in love with it, because it's pretty accurate to how I feel about this situation. 

Anyway, there you go. That's the story of how a can of soup made me cry. Don't worry, I will get back up again. Just let me get past the pureed food stage first.

My Therapy Wall

I'm sitting here at my desk in my bedroom not wanting to do my homework, so I'm taking a break (before I even start, haha) to jot down some thoughts about some notes I have posted next to me. They're both from therapy. I hope that they make a difference to someone.

This quote is posted to my left. 

This piece of paper has obviously been through the ringer. It's done a stint in my car, as a bookmark, and now as wall "art." If you can't read past the oil stain, whatever that yellow mark is, and other pen scribbles, it says, "Character is the ability to carry out a worthy decision after the emotion of making the decision has passed." I don't know who originally said this, but I wrote it down during a therapy session with my therapist Darren. Maybe he should be credited with the quote, but I don't know... Regardless, it's stuck with me when I don't want to train for races, or open up another textbook for school, or a hundred other things that are hard to do!

More inspiration is this copy of the inside cover of a book called "The Four Agreements." 

My most recent therapist Kim gave it to me. These are SO much harder to apply in my life than Darren's advice. I struggle with the agreements "Don't make assumptions" and "Don't take anything personally" very deeply. I make assumptions about people's motives, and I take everything personally, including everything people say AND what people don't say (such a win-win situation for everyone, amirite?). I think I will make this my mantra for the next little while, and hopefully I will get better at it. You can see my notes at the bottom of the page: "Step back. 'This is not mine. This is your responsibility/ burden. I'm giving it back to you.'" I can see how I could use this in so many areas in my life. I'll work on it.

On a related note, another handwritten note on the back of that same page says, "Perfectionism is a symptom of being over-accountable." I've written and rewritten this paragraph about three or four times, which if that doesn't prove Kim's point about me being a perfectionist, I don't know what will.  I've been pretty open on my other posts about my imperfections, but suffice it to say that trying to be perfect manifested itself by me taking on too much work, and it was taking a toll on my mental health. 

Anyhoo... this is kind of a hot mess of a post, but it's been a long time since I've written anything and that's what was on my mind. Basically, therapy is awesome and I've learned some things that are helpful to me, and maybe they might be helpful to you.