Cutting Myself Some Slack

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about myself. I think a lot about myself in general, which I think is hard not to do. But in the last couple of weeks, my brain has been a war zone, just a full-on attack on my self-esteem and self-worth. My mind has been to some dark places in an attempt to sabotage any peace I had about my successes, my value, and my body. I spend a lot of time alone, and therefore a lot of time spiraling into the darkness in my head. Thankfully, I have so many people in my life who love me, and when I sent out a lifeline on Facebook, friends and family responded and lifted me out of that place.

I don't mean to worry anyone. I genuinely don't have depression or anything like that. Not that there's any shame for the people who do have depression, that's not what I'm saying. It's just that I have these deeply-rooted insecurities and chronic negative self talk that I usually just ignore by burying myself in other things. However, they wanted my full attention, so this is me giving them attention by dealing with them. I'm mostly on the upside of this swing. My friends and family have helped quiet the demons. Many hugs, phone calls, texts, Marco Polo messages, and memes later, I thankfully feel less like I'm going to explode.

So here's the deal: I'm 34 and single. I'm just barely finishing school and starting a career. I am not that smart and I can't remember even half of the stuff I learn in school. I live in a little apartment and drive a car that constantly needs fixing. I'm weird, awkward, introverted, and shy. I still weigh much more than I want to, even after gastric bypass. My body is lumpy and lopsided, and I can name 50 other things I don't like about it without even taking a breath.

However... I'm happier than I have been before with my life. I've finally chosen a career path that I enjoy and that I know will make a difference in the world. I've had so many cool learning opportunities in school that have been life-changing! I have the best family and friends. I'm embracing my weirdness and thankfully share that weirdness with a few people. My apartment is small, but I love it. My car needs to be fixed a lot, but it allows me so much freedom, and hey, I need fixing up a lot, too, so who am I to judge? My body is not perfect, but it is STRONG. I love that I my legs are so strong that I can max out on a few of the machines at the gym. I've run 2 half marathons and am planning for a third in a few months.

I'm so hard on myself, but I'm cutting myself some slack today. I'm not perfect and I'm not where I want to be, but I'm better than I was and I'm closer to the things I want! On top of that, I'm just grateful to be able to experience this crazy roller coaster of life with all of the ups and downs.

Also, here is a song that has been my mantra for the last 3 weeks or so. Listen to it. Turn it up loud in your car. It's cheesy, but I love it. https://youtu.be/8hkmuTvkp_s

SNA at UVU New T-Shirt Designs

Hi SNA friends,

This year we are ordering new shirts for the SNA. We would like to get input to know which designs everyone would like! Here are several options. Please go to the Survey Monkey link to complete the questions so we can get the shirts that people are the most excited for! Thanks!

https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Y2L97KZ

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What Running Has Taught Me (So Far)

I don't post enough on this blog; just two posts ago I talked about my experience running the AF Canyon half marathon 2 years ago, and here I am training for it again! I think about this blog often and I wish I posted on it more. I enjoy writing and hearing from everyone who reads it.

Anyway, I wanted to write about training for the half. I've written here and there on Facebook about the music that inspires me to keep going, and several people have told me that I'm inspiring for being so dedicated and taking on such a hard thing. Well, I appreciate that. I'm glad that my hard work helps anyone feel inspired to do hard things in their life. Here are some of the things that I've learned along the way.

1. When I have a hard time getting started, there are always people there to support me and push me to get going. The other day I asked Facebookworld for any inspiration when I was feeling completely unmotivated to run 9 miles. I honestly considered not running that day because I simply didn't want to. However, with comments like, "You have a nice booty," "Look at where you came from," "Just one step at a time," and "Just run 1 mile. Nine times," I couldn't help but feel the love and the inspiration to go. Sometimes I feel so alone, but whenever I reach out, I'm overwhelmed with support and love.

2. With that being said, nobody can run the miles for me. I think this is why I like running (despite also hating it, but that's a different story): I feel proud of myself when I cross the finish line, because nobody did it for me. Every step is my choice to keep moving forward.

3. There are so many small things that make the miles a little bit more bearable. Music is by far at the top of the list; nothing compares to its influence on my running. However, here are some things that give me an extra boost along the way.

•  Every time someone gives me a thumbs up or says something nice to me when I run, like,
  "Wow, you're ambitious!" or "You're doing a good job!"
• When I run with a cool breeze blowing on my face. The heat really takes a lot of energy out of me, so this rainy weather the last few days has been really nice.
• Stopping for a second to smell the lilacs that have been so beautiful this year. Lilacs remind me of my mom and my grandma. Not that I really knew my grandma very well before she died; I was only 2 at the time, but I hear that she really liked them. I haven't been able to resist the urge to stop and take in the beautiful smell when I run past a big bush of them. Seeing them reminds me of how loved I am. I know it's a really cheesy sentiment for a bunch of flowers, but it's true.
• Every time a driver stops their car and waves me forward at a crosswalk or whatever. I know most people are doing it because I'm a pedestrian and it's the law... but I like to think that some people are doing it so that I don't lose my momentum and can keep going. Kind of like they're rooting for me a little bit. 
• Okay, this one is really silly. But every time I'm running and someone passes me in their car, I think to myself, "You know? The whole time that that person in the car has known me (the 30 seconds that they've seen me on the street), I've been a runner." There are a lot of cars on the road and it makes it so that I don't want to stop, because then the people in their cars will know me as the runner who stopped. For some reason that's motivating to me.

4. Breaks and rest days are important, and I'm not about to be hard on myself because I need them. Sometimes I truly can't keep running. If I try to run a hill, I promise you I will burn out within minutes, and I won't have the energy or the stamina to run the entire hill. Sometimes I have to walk. The other day, I hurt my ankle running. I walked about half of my miles that day, but I finished. Another day recently, I was scheduled to run 4 or 5 miles, and my legs were so sore from running and work the day before that I could hardly walk. So I took that day off. And you know what? The next day I was feeling great and was able to do the 7 miles that I was scheduled. 

Sometimes I feel like we're all trying to be so perfect and do so much that we forget that breaks or rest days are essential to our health. Along the same vein, mistakes or mess ups don't mean that we're failures if we're trying to reach a goal. Just because I didn't run one day doesn't take away from the fact that I've run 4 days a week for 6 weeks up to this point. It doesn't mean I messed everything up and have to start all over. Goals are not an all-or-nothing deal. 

5. I run really slowly. I'm sure there are plenty of people that could walk briskly at my pace. But even my slow pace is hard for me and I know I'm pushing myself to even go that fast. And you know what? I'm okay with that. 

6. Boob sweat is a problem, y'all. I learned this a couple years ago when I ran a 5K and stuck my cell phone in my bra because for some reason workout pants don't have pockets. After the 5K I was horrified when I realized that my phone no longer worked due to "water" damage. That's no lie, folks. That actually happened to me. I had to buy a new phone after that. I wish there were a better solution for boob sweat than the current solution, which is nothing. 

7. You guys, this next one is really important to me: when running is at its hardest for me, when my legs feel tight, my feet are aching, and my lungs are burning, the best thing for me to do is to lean into the run and keep going. This idea of leaning into the hard things has had a profound effect on other aspects of my life. 

Don't forget that I'm a believer in breaks and rests. You have to find out for yourself when it's best for you to rest and when it's best for you to push yourself. But these moments of pushing myself past what I think my breaking point is have been the most rewarding and the moments of the most growth.

I have a love/hate relationship with running. It's hard, it takes so much time to train, I complain the whole time that I'm doing it. But I'm learning so much from it, and I'm so grateful to be healthy enough to actually be able to run. 

Happy Birthday to ME!

Back in 2015, I had the most depressing birthday ever. I was turning 30 and NOT happy about it at all. Fat, poor, single, and working a job that I hated made me reluctant to admit that that was really my life and that’s how I was leaving my 20s.

Well, today is my 34^th birthday, and things are different. Not completely different; I’m still poor and single, but I’m much less fat, and I have a job that I care about a lot. I’m probably healthier than I ever have been in my adult life. I even have a couple of 5Ks and a half marathon under my belt.

34!!!

On top of that, I get to go to school. There’s a quote that Google says Isaac Newton said (I don’t know if he really did or if that’s just an internet thing, but regardless, I still like the quote), “If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.” Whenever I lug around 50 pounds of textbooks, I think about that quote. With the scientific geniuses, the healthcare advocates, and even the billions of people who have lived and died who we’ve been able to learn from, we can see more and do more to improve lives. Hopefully that makes sense and doesn’t just sound like rambling gibberish. What I mean to say is that I’m amazed every day that we know so much about the human body and how it works. It’s amazing to me that we’ve come so far. I know, I know, we have SUCH a long way to go still, but that doesn’t take away the miracles that have led to where we are now.

Just as incredible to me is that I get to spend my time with some kind, generous, talented, smart, and fun people in the nursing program. I mean, seriously, how lucky can one person be?

I’m a firm believer that 99% of the time, there are things that I can do to make my life and my situation better. There are things out of my control, of course, but if the last 4 years have been proof of nothing else, it’s been proof that the power to improve was in my hands. I chose to have bariatric surgery. I choose every day to make healthier choices. I chose to apply to UVU’s very competitive nursing program. I choose every day to study, do my homework, and take advantage of the educational and professional opportunities given to me. As difficult and frustrating dating can be, I choose to try it, anyway, in the hopes that I can find someone that can be a good match for me (and who I can be a match for). In “The Princess and the Frog,” Tiana sings, “I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true. But you gotta make ‘em happen, it all depends on you!” Despite the fact that I never thought that my own fairy tale would involve a life-altering weight loss surgery or changing a whole bunch of adult diapers, I couldn’t agree more. Here's the song, by the way. I listen to it when I'm almost done running on the treadmill at the gym. 

The point of this post is to say that I’m in a much better place at age 34 than I was at age 30. I genuinely believe that all of the improvements in my life have stemmed from making the decision to have bariatric surgery. Because of the work I put into losing 150 pounds, I realized that I’m capable of doing other hard things. Health, dating, school, and a cool career are all blessings that have come because of the surgery. I wouldn’t have, and COULDN’T have done these hard things without the experience of having surgery. I'm so grateful that I had the surgery and for all of the blessing that have followed it. 

I’m a lucky 34 year old, that’s all I have to say.