Breakdown in the Soup Aisle

It's no secret that I had gastric bypass a few years ago. My weight and my eating habits were out of control. Since then, my relationship with food has been nothing short of a roller coaster; some days I feel pretty good about it, and other days I feel like it's ruining my life.

What is much less known is that over the past couple of years, bad food habits have reared their ugly head and taken hold of my life once again. I've gained 40+ pounds since nursing school started. While I'm not at my starting weight of 385 (YIKES), the scale is climbing in that direction, and it's actually kind of terrifying. Gastric bypass changed my life for the better. Without it, I promise you I would not be a nurse right now. I don't ever want to go back to where I was.

I finally caved and went to go see my surgeon, David Watts, despite feeling like I've failed myself AND him (and everyone else). He's a nice guy, of course, and only wants me- and all of his patients- to succeed. He gave me a pep talk. "You've worked so hard and put so much into this to give up. It's not impossible. It will take longer, but you can do it." Together we made a plan: do a pouch reset (more on that in a sec), see the nurse over the weight loss program in 3 months, come back to see him in 6 months. If I'm not losing weight by then we will talk about more radical interventions. Additionally, if I'm still having a hard time with cravings or feeling hungry with the correct amount of food, he said that he is okay with me requesting an appetite suppressant medication called phentermine from my primary care doctor. However, it's not time to cross that bridge yet.

(As a side note, I just looked up the side effects of that medication, and those are also terrifying.)

I have a terrible memory, and I don't remember if I've written about what a pouch reset is before. I'm sorry if this is a repeat of previous posts. A pouch reset is just doing a shorter version of the pre-op diet: 1 day of clear liquid diet, 2-3 days of full liquids, 2-3 days of puree diet, 2-3 days of soft foods, and then back to regular foods. In addition to the restrictions on food choices, you also have to STRICTLY control portions (1- 1.5 cups for me), and eat it over 20-30 minutes. That last part is a lifelong thing, not just part of the pouch reset. It's one of the worst parts about the post-op diet. Imagine trying to eat a jello cup over 30 minutes, and that's your whole freaking meal.

With my list of approved foods in hand, I went to Winco today. Sugar free jello, broth, SF popsicles, Dasani SF water flavor enhancers for the clear diet day; SF pudding, cream soup, applesauce, protein shakes for the full liquid diet days; hummus, cottage cheese, yogurt, eggs for the puree days. I had flashbacks of the days right after my surgery that I choked down those foods for what seemed like endless weeks. By the end of the full liquid days, I couldn't even think about creamed soups without feeling nauseated. Every time I advanced to a new diet level I could have cried. Being so restricted on food was miserable. And today, there I was again, standing in the soup aisle, holding a damn can of cream of chicken soup, not able to hold back the tears as I wondered how I would be able start all over again. Other moments in Winco that caused me tears today: I couldn't find the @#$#@$! hummus, and WHY ARE THOSE COOKIES ON SALE?! I'm telling you, the grocery store is a battle zone for me. I know that I'm not alone in this; many people in my surgical weight loss support group have voiced the same thing.

I'm so discouraged. I don't want to do this, and I don't want to be this person who needs so much regulation over something that is a basic function of life. I find it wildly unfair that food is an addiction that I cannot quit cold-turkey (another thing I can't have right now, haha). If you were to tell a heroin addict that they needed to have JUST A LITTLE BIT of heroin every day, but not too much, that would sound insane. That's exactly how this makes me feel.

Please excuse my whining and feeling sorry for myself. I absolutely understand that this is such a first world problem. "Oh noooo, I have too much fooooooooooooood!" I'll get over my anger and resentment. I just have to feel it first. It might take a few days, but I'll get there.

I've kept off over 100 pounds since my surgery; I shouldn't forget the progress that I've made. Here are some pictures as a reminder to myself that I've come SO far.

BEFORE:

Yikes.

AFTER:

Dayuuummmm I look good in this pic.

Skinny face.

Holy crap, I'm a nurse! Like officially! That's too weird.

I don't know why it's showing up so weird, but I ran 6 miles today. That's definitely something I wouldn't have been able to do pre-surgery. I never even ran ONE mile pre-surgery.

Okay, going through those pictures is actually really helpful. It reminds me that my health is worth the hard work. I've said this before, but someone once told me, "Losing weight is hard, but so is being fat. Choose your hard." *Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggghhhhhhh* Fine. I guess I have to choose the hard that doesn't include pastries. 

You guys, this is hard. If you see me eating something that I shouldn't, please feel free to slap it out of my hands. (That reminds me, if you haven't seen the Slap Chef video, go do it now. In fact, here you go:)

Also, here is my new theme song. I heard it today and fell in love with it, because it's pretty accurate to how I feel about this situation. 

Anyway, there you go. That's the story of how a can of soup made me cry. Don't worry, I will get back up again. Just let me get past the pureed food stage first.

My Therapy Wall

I'm sitting here at my desk in my bedroom not wanting to do my homework, so I'm taking a break (before I even start, haha) to jot down some thoughts about some notes I have posted next to me. They're both from therapy. I hope that they make a difference to someone.

This quote is posted to my left. 

This piece of paper has obviously been through the ringer. It's done a stint in my car, as a bookmark, and now as wall "art." If you can't read past the oil stain, whatever that yellow mark is, and other pen scribbles, it says, "Character is the ability to carry out a worthy decision after the emotion of making the decision has passed." I don't know who originally said this, but I wrote it down during a therapy session with my therapist Darren. Maybe he should be credited with the quote, but I don't know... Regardless, it's stuck with me when I don't want to train for races, or open up another textbook for school, or a hundred other things that are hard to do!

More inspiration is this copy of the inside cover of a book called "The Four Agreements." 

My most recent therapist Kim gave it to me. These are SO much harder to apply in my life than Darren's advice. I struggle with the agreements "Don't make assumptions" and "Don't take anything personally" very deeply. I make assumptions about people's motives, and I take everything personally, including everything people say AND what people don't say (such a win-win situation for everyone, amirite?). I think I will make this my mantra for the next little while, and hopefully I will get better at it. You can see my notes at the bottom of the page: "Step back. 'This is not mine. This is your responsibility/ burden. I'm giving it back to you.'" I can see how I could use this in so many areas in my life. I'll work on it.

On a related note, another handwritten note on the back of that same page says, "Perfectionism is a symptom of being over-accountable." I've written and rewritten this paragraph about three or four times, which if that doesn't prove Kim's point about me being a perfectionist, I don't know what will.  I've been pretty open on my other posts about my imperfections, but suffice it to say that trying to be perfect manifested itself by me taking on too much work, and it was taking a toll on my mental health. 

Anyhoo... this is kind of a hot mess of a post, but it's been a long time since I've written anything and that's what was on my mind. Basically, therapy is awesome and I've learned some things that are helpful to me, and maybe they might be helpful to you. 

Cutting Myself Some Slack

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about myself. I think a lot about myself in general, which I think is hard not to do. But in the last couple of weeks, my brain has been a war zone, just a full-on attack on my self-esteem and self-worth. My mind has been to some dark places in an attempt to sabotage any peace I had about my successes, my value, and my body. I spend a lot of time alone, and therefore a lot of time spiraling into the darkness in my head. Thankfully, I have so many people in my life who love me, and when I sent out a lifeline on Facebook, friends and family responded and lifted me out of that place.

I don't mean to worry anyone. I genuinely don't have depression or anything like that. Not that there's any shame for the people who do have depression, that's not what I'm saying. It's just that I have these deeply-rooted insecurities and chronic negative self talk that I usually just ignore by burying myself in other things. However, they wanted my full attention, so this is me giving them attention by dealing with them. I'm mostly on the upside of this swing. My friends and family have helped quiet the demons. Many hugs, phone calls, texts, Marco Polo messages, and memes later, I thankfully feel less like I'm going to explode.

So here's the deal: I'm 34 and single. I'm just barely finishing school and starting a career. I am not that smart and I can't remember even half of the stuff I learn in school. I live in a little apartment and drive a car that constantly needs fixing. I'm weird, awkward, introverted, and shy. I still weigh much more than I want to, even after gastric bypass. My body is lumpy and lopsided, and I can name 50 other things I don't like about it without even taking a breath.

However... I'm happier than I have been before with my life. I've finally chosen a career path that I enjoy and that I know will make a difference in the world. I've had so many cool learning opportunities in school that have been life-changing! I have the best family and friends. I'm embracing my weirdness and thankfully share that weirdness with a few people. My apartment is small, but I love it. My car needs to be fixed a lot, but it allows me so much freedom, and hey, I need fixing up a lot, too, so who am I to judge? My body is not perfect, but it is STRONG. I love that I my legs are so strong that I can max out on a few of the machines at the gym. I've run 2 half marathons and am planning for a third in a few months.

I'm so hard on myself, but I'm cutting myself some slack today. I'm not perfect and I'm not where I want to be, but I'm better than I was and I'm closer to the things I want! On top of that, I'm just grateful to be able to experience this crazy roller coaster of life with all of the ups and downs.

Also, here is a song that has been my mantra for the last 3 weeks or so. Listen to it. Turn it up loud in your car. It's cheesy, but I love it. https://youtu.be/8hkmuTvkp_s

SNA at UVU New T-Shirt Designs

Hi SNA friends,

This year we are ordering new shirts for the SNA. We would like to get input to know which designs everyone would like! Here are several options. Please go to the Survey Monkey link to complete the questions so we can get the shirts that people are the most excited for! Thanks!

https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Y2L97KZ

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What Running Has Taught Me (So Far)

I don't post enough on this blog; just two posts ago I talked about my experience running the AF Canyon half marathon 2 years ago, and here I am training for it again! I think about this blog often and I wish I posted on it more. I enjoy writing and hearing from everyone who reads it.

Anyway, I wanted to write about training for the half. I've written here and there on Facebook about the music that inspires me to keep going, and several people have told me that I'm inspiring for being so dedicated and taking on such a hard thing. Well, I appreciate that. I'm glad that my hard work helps anyone feel inspired to do hard things in their life. Here are some of the things that I've learned along the way.

1. When I have a hard time getting started, there are always people there to support me and push me to get going. The other day I asked Facebookworld for any inspiration when I was feeling completely unmotivated to run 9 miles. I honestly considered not running that day because I simply didn't want to. However, with comments like, "You have a nice booty," "Look at where you came from," "Just one step at a time," and "Just run 1 mile. Nine times," I couldn't help but feel the love and the inspiration to go. Sometimes I feel so alone, but whenever I reach out, I'm overwhelmed with support and love.

2. With that being said, nobody can run the miles for me. I think this is why I like running (despite also hating it, but that's a different story): I feel proud of myself when I cross the finish line, because nobody did it for me. Every step is my choice to keep moving forward.

3. There are so many small things that make the miles a little bit more bearable. Music is by far at the top of the list; nothing compares to its influence on my running. However, here are some things that give me an extra boost along the way.

•  Every time someone gives me a thumbs up or says something nice to me when I run, like,
  "Wow, you're ambitious!" or "You're doing a good job!"
• When I run with a cool breeze blowing on my face. The heat really takes a lot of energy out of me, so this rainy weather the last few days has been really nice.
• Stopping for a second to smell the lilacs that have been so beautiful this year. Lilacs remind me of my mom and my grandma. Not that I really knew my grandma very well before she died; I was only 2 at the time, but I hear that she really liked them. I haven't been able to resist the urge to stop and take in the beautiful smell when I run past a big bush of them. Seeing them reminds me of how loved I am. I know it's a really cheesy sentiment for a bunch of flowers, but it's true.
• Every time a driver stops their car and waves me forward at a crosswalk or whatever. I know most people are doing it because I'm a pedestrian and it's the law... but I like to think that some people are doing it so that I don't lose my momentum and can keep going. Kind of like they're rooting for me a little bit. 
• Okay, this one is really silly. But every time I'm running and someone passes me in their car, I think to myself, "You know? The whole time that that person in the car has known me (the 30 seconds that they've seen me on the street), I've been a runner." There are a lot of cars on the road and it makes it so that I don't want to stop, because then the people in their cars will know me as the runner who stopped. For some reason that's motivating to me.

4. Breaks and rest days are important, and I'm not about to be hard on myself because I need them. Sometimes I truly can't keep running. If I try to run a hill, I promise you I will burn out within minutes, and I won't have the energy or the stamina to run the entire hill. Sometimes I have to walk. The other day, I hurt my ankle running. I walked about half of my miles that day, but I finished. Another day recently, I was scheduled to run 4 or 5 miles, and my legs were so sore from running and work the day before that I could hardly walk. So I took that day off. And you know what? The next day I was feeling great and was able to do the 7 miles that I was scheduled. 

Sometimes I feel like we're all trying to be so perfect and do so much that we forget that breaks or rest days are essential to our health. Along the same vein, mistakes or mess ups don't mean that we're failures if we're trying to reach a goal. Just because I didn't run one day doesn't take away from the fact that I've run 4 days a week for 6 weeks up to this point. It doesn't mean I messed everything up and have to start all over. Goals are not an all-or-nothing deal. 

5. I run really slowly. I'm sure there are plenty of people that could walk briskly at my pace. But even my slow pace is hard for me and I know I'm pushing myself to even go that fast. And you know what? I'm okay with that. 

6. Boob sweat is a problem, y'all. I learned this a couple years ago when I ran a 5K and stuck my cell phone in my bra because for some reason workout pants don't have pockets. After the 5K I was horrified when I realized that my phone no longer worked due to "water" damage. That's no lie, folks. That actually happened to me. I had to buy a new phone after that. I wish there were a better solution for boob sweat than the current solution, which is nothing. 

7. You guys, this next one is really important to me: when running is at its hardest for me, when my legs feel tight, my feet are aching, and my lungs are burning, the best thing for me to do is to lean into the run and keep going. This idea of leaning into the hard things has had a profound effect on other aspects of my life. 

Don't forget that I'm a believer in breaks and rests. You have to find out for yourself when it's best for you to rest and when it's best for you to push yourself. But these moments of pushing myself past what I think my breaking point is have been the most rewarding and the moments of the most growth.

I have a love/hate relationship with running. It's hard, it takes so much time to train, I complain the whole time that I'm doing it. But I'm learning so much from it, and I'm so grateful to be healthy enough to actually be able to run.