The Update on my Butt; or, the Butt-date, if you will

So it occurred to me that I never updated most of you on my butt. Not that you'd ask "Hey, how's your butt?" in proper conversation, but let's be honest, nobody likes being proper. So go ahead, ask me.

How's my butt, do you ask? Fabulous, thank you.

My surgery, back in February, went so smoothly that it surprised me. I was so worried about the bad side effects of anaesthesia that I almost backed out. Even though the anaesthesiologist was about as comforting as a rat, I still went through with it. In the operating room, the last thing that I remember is that everybody was going about their business and not talking to me much. Then I woke up when they tried sticking a cannula in my nose for oxygen. It tickled my nose so much and I kept pulling it out. Also, my face itched sooooo much. I don't know what that was all about.

Anyhoo, then I spent two sleepy days in the hospital. My parents spent what time they could with me, watching movies. We should have brought games, that would have been fun, too. My cousin Sunny brought some beautiful flowers with the best card.

Recovery was actually fine. I had 3 weeks off of work, which I loved. People say they get bored being at home all the time, and I was happy as a clam. (As a side note, I just googled images of happy clams. Apparently there are a few restaurants called The Happy Clam. I'm sure their clams don't appreciate that expectation.)

The worst part about the whole experience was the painkillers. I only took the heavy-duty ones for about 4 or 5 days. Being on the painkillers was fine, it was getting off them that was terrible. I was nauseated and got huge headaches. I spent a day with my head on my mom's lap. I stopped taking those as soon as I could, and took ibuprofen every once in a while when I needed it.

I spent a couple weeks on crutches, too. That was a first. I didn't even mind it.

The first few weeks after the surgery, I felt like I should've been in one of those Dick and Jane books:

See Erin. See Erin sleep. Now see Erin. She is sitting up. Good job, Erin! Soon Erin can walk. Go, Erin, go! See Erin take painkillers. Oh, oh! Erin is funny. Funny, funny Erin.

No really, there were a lot of small victories for me. Sitting down instead of laying down was a big deal, especially when I could sit on Lefty (Lefty being my left butt cheek, in case you didn't catch that). Taking a real shower after like a week of spit baths. Going on a walk down the street.

Since then, I've been happily Pearl Wilson- free. I can't say I'm totally symmetrical, which was really my hope, but hey, I'm not complaining.

The reason I was thinking about this is because about a week and a half ago I got another MRI to see if Pearl was anywhere to be seen, and thankfully, it wasn't. I do have some minimal pain, but I think maybe that's from the scar tissue? Or maybe because the glutes on that side are messed up? I don't know. But it's nothing to worry about, since Pearl is gone. All that's left is a pretty monster size scar and a story about about a monster size tumor that I love to freak people out with.

So there ya go, you've all been updated on my bootay. Aren't you glad you asked?

Therapy Week 1: The Elephant Game

The first week of therapy was great. I liked my therapist right off the bat. His name is Darren. He seems honest and non-judgemental; nice, but not someone that sugar-coats everything. 

 It's weird opening up to a stranger. At the same time, it's also easy, because there's no history between you and no expectation of how you should or shouldn't act or feel.

Due to my cheese-for-brains memory, I don't remember everything that we talked about that first session. Mostly just get-to-know-you stuff. The thing we did that stands out the most is the Elephant Game. He offered me $20 if I could get him to say the word "elephant" in two minutes. I felt pretty silly at the get-go, mostly because I knew I wouldn't win, and that he had a point to the game that I was going to have to learn the hard way. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Okay, what's the name of the largest land animal?
Darren: What's the largest land animal?
Me: You know, big, grey, long trunk, giant ears, ivory tusks?
Darren: A pachyderm.
Me: No, the other name for it.
Darren: You mean Dumbo?
Me: That's a proper noun. I mean the layman's term for it.
Darren: Are you sure that's the largest animal?
Me: Yeah, pretty sure. What do you call that?
Darren: I think the largest animal is a blue whale.
Me: I said land animal.

And so on and so forth, with a lot of hemming and hawing and not answering the question until the two minutes was up. I was unfortunately just as poor after the game as I had been before it.

                                  This elephant looks happy, and that makes me happy!





Darren said that in all his years as a therapist playing the game, only two people won. I think what he said was that the people that won were much more direct with their requests, asking him, "Will you say the word 'elephant' for me?" They were also willing to give up the money in return for him saying the word. The things that I learned from this game are that you need to know what it is that you really want, and you need to be specific. The object of the game was to get Darren to say the word, not to have $20. So the money was just a distraction. For me, my ultimate goal is to be healthy, which encompasses a lot more than my pants size. Being skinny might be the reward at the end of it all, but if that's my focus, I'll lose sight of what I really want.

Does it make sense what I was trying to say? Let me try it this way. It's important to differentiate between what knowing what you want to happen and knowing what you want not to happen. Darren gave the example of when he goes to the hardware store and the store clerks ask him what he's looking for, he doesn't say, "Well, I don't want a hammer." Well, okay, what DO you want? "Not a screw." He'd be there a long time if the kept up the conversation that way. Same with my situation; if I just say, "I don't want to be fat," then that's going to get me nowhere fast.

At least that's what I got out of the elephant game. Darren could've had a totally different point, but that's what I remember.

I came up with a list of things that, to me, are signs of being healthy, broken down into 3 categories: physical health, emotional health, and financial health.

Physical health

1. People who are healthy don't just exercise, they've found something that they love to do. I admire my younger brother, who is constantly on the move because it makes him happy. Or my cousin's wife, who's found that she loves body building. I even have a friend who just tried out for a pro Ultimate Frisbee team; I didn't even know those existed. The most fun I've had exercising is playing a game called "Bacon" with a bunch of elementary school kids when I was in college. Can I just do that every day?

2. Healthy people stop eating when they're full. I know it doesn't take that much food for my belly to feel full. I want that to be enough for me to stop eating, rather than trying to fill the void I feel with food.

3. Healthy people have a normal sleep schedule. Of course I'm writing this at 3 AM, so I'm not doing so well with this goal as of right now.


Emotional health

1. Healthy people stay in contact with friends and family. It's so easy for me to get lost in my day-to-day life. Wake up, work, eat, nap, work, tv, eat, sleep, wash, repeat. A couple days ago I reconnected with a friend from school and I had so much fun. We had an "S" party: we ate spaghetti and drank smoothies, sat in our sweats on the sofa, and watched Star Wars. It was Spectacular. I learned that she is working on writing a book, and that she goes to writing conferences. Her husband plays the guitar. Being with them has reminded me that those are things that I'd love to do. So doing something healthy (being social) begets other healthy choices (like learning new things and developing hobbies). Anyhoo, I need to do that more often.

2. This just may be my perception, but methinks the less time people spend on screens, like TV, computer, phone, etc., the healthier they are. I know for a fact I spend way too much time with a screen in front of my face.

3. Healthy people have a job they enjoy. Maybe it's because they don't settle for a sucky job, or maybe it's because they have a better attitude at a job that others would consider to be sucky. Either way, I need to make some changes.


Financial health

1. Healthy people work smarter, not harder. Right now I have 2 jobs to pay off my debts from my car, my surgery from February, and life in general. I would love to get down to one job.

2. Healthy people save money. Living paycheck to paycheck is a terrible thing, and even worse when, after paying the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker, there's nothing left.



I'm going to add more to those lists, to be sure. But those things are a start.

Here's another picture of an elephant that makes me happy, just as a reward for you making it to the end of my post.